I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
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Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell