[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
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[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
These work great until they don’t.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies