Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
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friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Poetry is my passion
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.