I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
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*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.