A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
You Might Also Like
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
My biological clock is wheezing.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.