[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
You Might Also Like
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family