My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
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You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
All is fair in drunk and war.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.