What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
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I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57