Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
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I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Holy crap this is wonderful
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.