Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years