“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My good tweets are in my other pants.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
You have been warned.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.