Oh my god
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my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Inside you there are two wolves
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”