suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
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About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time