“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
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[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
real
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours