“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
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If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
6. me as a lawyer
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”