Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS