Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
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If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Intelligence is the new cleavage