wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
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According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
cry laughing at this shit
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Van Gone