*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
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Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some