*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
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Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
💁🏻♂️
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Called it
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”