ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs