Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
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Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
The Backseat Boys
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.