Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
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2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
this country is so goddamn polarized
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire