Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
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I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.