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Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
It do be feeling this way.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]