I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
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Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.