I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
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*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Social Media and Real life
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.