I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
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My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
2023 was just a warmup
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.