Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
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If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed