My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
You Might Also Like
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Spotted in New Orleans.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
mmm onion ringos
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.