The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
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[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
this has to be peak English
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.