only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
A dad and his duck
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.