No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
You Might Also Like
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Holy moly
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.