detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
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Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
When I snag the last meatball.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.