China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
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I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.