[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
😂😂😂
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM