If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Is….Is this an option?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.