[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.