Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
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if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.