Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
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Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
i hope my email finds you on fire
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.