Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
What’s so funny?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
*serious situation*
My brain:
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”