馃檶馃徎馃槀馃槀馃槶馃ぃ
You Might Also Like
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Me: Evil always thinks it鈥檚 doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It鈥檚 like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here鈥檚 some goodies so you鈥檒l hit me up again.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don鈥檛 own a tank i only have this car
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.