Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
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These 3D printers are insane!
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’m sorry…what?
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
My dream job is getting paid to dream
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car