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Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
The “baby” on the left….
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
this has done me in for some reason
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I saw this ending much differently.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!