I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
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Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
this is uni
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that