Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
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[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.