Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
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Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My birth announcement for our third baby
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.