I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
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Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.