Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
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We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My wedding will be open casket.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.