My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.